Not a joke. Most people know this already, but on thursday the 22nd of july I got stabbed in the stomach by a 26-year-old aboriginal man wearing a red jumper and cap. I had been waiting at the station for a train back home after accidentally coming out on thursday instead of friday for a social event, but i never made it back. As i walked down the platform to board the train, i was overtaken from behind and a knife (Later identified to be a “planing knife” by an officer outside my vision as i bled out on the platform) was thrust into my stomach. At first i wasn’t sure exactly what had happened – getting stabbed doesn’t really happen, so even though a knife had just come out of me that was covered in red stuff, it didn’t really click that i’d been stabbed until more blood started coming out of me. At that point its freak-out o’clock on the focket clock, so i started limping down the platform towards what i assume was some security personnel, waving my arms yelling “I’ve been stabbed!”

After that, it was unanimously agreed that since i was probably going to end up on the floor pretty soon anyway, that i should lie down as soon as possible. After that there was a whole lot of fading in and out of consciousness, followed by a trip in the ambulance and finally, mercifully, getting knocked out and cut open by a bunch of doctors. This was followed by a dream sequence involving my family from around Australia, which actually turned out to be real, i was just really drugged out at the time. I had a big ol’ tube down my throat, so after expressing to them that i wanted to write, i did some slurred down-the-page scrawls with little to no legible characters amongst it, after which i gave up and decided that the painkillers had won this time.

Then i spent two weeks in hospital, which was RETARDED so i refuse to even write about it, hospital can lick my balls. Seriously, they wake you up during the night to take your blood pressure. Really? Is that REALLY necessary?

Back at home now, obviously. Starting to eat a little more each day. I managed to eat an entire sausage roll in one sitting today without throwing up, which was a milestone. Still feel consistently like crap, tired, etc. They kind of cut me right down the middle when they were operating on me so all those pesky muscles in the way just got slashed so my chiselled abs are a thing of the past, but i’m alive, which i guess is good. I’m expected to recover fully, my livers kind of missing a chunk so until it grows back i’ve gotta watch myself. Its not like i’m a heavy drinker though so whatever. Plus it gives me credible grounds for getting drunk so fast when i was in fact always like that, so that’ll be handy.

Hmm, so what about now. I’m mostly recovered in that i am experiencing no pain. I am still about 40kg, eating 1/3 of what i used to be able to eat, waking up in the night a lot and can’t stand up straight, but at least nothing hurts. Oh, except sneezing. Fuck sneezing hurts. Like wow.

Hope you’re having more fun than me! I’ll try to get a comic up some time soon.

PS: T-shirt ideas
Getting stabbed: Shady’s promotional tool of choice.
I got stabbed in fortitude valley and all i got was this lousy T-shirt!
*Map of internal organs, with non-essential areas highlighted in green and labelled “Safe zone: Please stab here”*
And last of all, the one i ACTUALLY plan to print up: I don’t mean to show off, but i’ve been stabbed.

More on this when i’m finished the blog post about it.

Kind of in pain and sleeping lots so it may be a little while.

I know, i know, i’m late. You wanna know why? Reinstalled windows, so i need to install corel again. Can’t install corel till i download it. You wanna know why i haven’t downloaded it? Its like 250MB, so I’m downloading a game instead, which is only 500MB! You wanna know why i’m downloading a game? SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WHILE COREL DOWNLOADS.

THINK people. THINK.

I’ll make sure to give red FIVE wangs in this next comic, just to make up for the fact that its going to be quite late.

So, once upon a time it came to be that i would always greet matthew as “Nigger”, such that “Sup, nigger” became the standard greeting from me to him. Over time, as i realised this response to this would almost always be “Work.”, i evolved the greeting into “Sup, worknigger?” essentially removing the boring part of the conversation and forcing him to say something interesting. This has worked marvellously well, and i went to the length of substituting whatever his known status was at that time into the place directly prior to “nigger”, resulting in sicknigger, and codenigger when he was sick or coding, respectively. Today marks a milestone in that today he actually said to me, “Sup nigger?” when initiating the conversation. I’m so proud. My Internigger is all grown up.

I’m writing this in notepad at sydney airport. And i’ll start by saying the thing i wanted to do last blog post never happened because for one thing matthew hasn’t been around, and i haven’t been remembering it very well. As for the possibility of matthew figuring it out by reading the blog, well, i actually had to show him the post in which i pronounced him dead a few weeks after writing it, so i think we can safely say thats not going to happen. I’m still on an ever-present quest to get this comic off the ground though, i have this feeling like having a successful webcomic will mean that future employers will overlook the fact that i’m a lazy clod. The brilliance will definitely come in handy too. Must also sell T-shirts. Most of the profits from buying said t-shirts will go towards me buying myself some because they’ll be awesome. Why am i plugging my own shit when its not even for sale yet?

Lol. Plugging.

Oh yes, i should probably mention that I haven’t gotten a proper nights sleep in QUITE some time. And now i’m going to be on a PLANE. Extra fun. Wheeeeeee.

So, since parents have this obsession with knowing for absolutely certain that you’re not dead, i took to sending them a sound effect whenever i got on a mode of transport. Before takeoff, i sent them a text that said only “Woosh”. Later i was planning to send them texts saying “Vroom” and “Choo choo” for my bus and train rides respectively, but they ruined it by actually replying and requesting more details. Perhaps next time. I guess its the thought that counts.

Not even on the plane yet. This is going to be a long post. Ohhhhh yeah. One thousand australian dollars of cutting edge (SNORT) laptop technology and the most entertaining thing i can find to do is talk to myself on a text editing program. Also while we’re on the subject of laptops, fuck norton. Its the most broken piece of shit ever and its three times worse than any virus you’ll ever find. At least you can remove viruses.

I wish i was exaggerating.

But enough whining. Maybe thats exactly what i’m going to do on this plane ride. I’m going to come up with, no, FORMULATE. DEVISE some cunning marketing stratagem that will make people completely powerless to resist the wiles of this site. They will come in droves, and read my comics, and then kiss my feet. This is what will happen.

Now i’ve just gotta figure out how.

*INTERMISSION*

Ok, now i’m on the plane, and i’m breathing exclusively from my own armpits at the moment – possibly the cleanest air to be found on the plane (smells like spaghetti for some reason). You see, one of the disgusting critters in the seats in front of me has shat itself, and the smell is permeating every crevice of this otherwise sterile vehicle. The only smell both wholesome and potent enough is that emanating from my own person, so within my own shirt my nose takes refuge from the rampaging stench of the death child.

My armpit REALLY smells like spaghetti. Like wow. No idea how thats possible, i haven’t eaten anything vaguely tomato-related for many days. Maybe its some devilish beer-nuts (my normal armpit aroma) and childs-shit hybrid smell that amalgamates to something reminiscent of a homecooked meal. Now theres a thought thats more than just a little disturbing. Notice also how everything i smell like is edible.

The majority of the smell has passed, but theres a dull pain in my nasal psyche that tells me my nose may never recover unless it gets some professional help. Also who decided that airports get to charge a million billion dollars for a packet of chips?

Always get a bit sentimental on planes. Partially from awe at the speed and height and manner of my travel, and partially from memories of adventures past. Sometimes i look at my wireless connections just to remind myself that we are no longer on the earth here. We are above it.

And yet for all my awe at humanitys achievement of flight, i am pretty much the most ruthless airport patron you’ll ever have the pleasure of seeing blur past. I’ve done so much flying by now that i’ve already got my wallet phone and laptop under one arm as i approach the security checkpoint. If all the window seats are taken i’ll always select the seat at the very back, in the aisle, so that the SECOND the seatbelt sign turns off at the other end i’m standing at the door with my bags under arm. I’ve got nothing but contempt for the fools that take twenty minutes to faff about with their luggage before disembarking. Hell, out of everybody there i’ve probably got less of a life than all of them, but i don’t see fit to waste everybodys time as they do, by steadfastly placing their huge, fat, disgusting ass in the aisle, blocking all passage in any direction past them, while they take down masses of carry-on baggage from the overhead locker, presumably because they were too cheap to pay another eight fucking dollars for checked baggage.

Also clouds are pretty awesome. Conserving battery for music now.

Oh, and the slogan i came up with for my advertising campaign was “It’s probably better than whatever you’re doing now”, which is most likely true.

Thats all folks!

So as of late i’ve had a massive spate of ideas, and as such have written a massive spate of comics. I’ve been writing pretty much a comic every second day for the past week and a bit.

“So james, why don’t you upgrade to a two or three times a week update schedule then, and then maybe people will start to read your little comic on a regular basis, rather than coming yearly to blow their minds with the archives?”

Well, smartass, the problem is that last time i had such a spate of comics i managed to run out 6 weeks later and then miss a week too. I have problems with CONSISTENCY, like a schoolkids nose on a winters day. I get exams, and i get idea-droughts, and i get computer problems, and should any of these problems happen directly one after the other i’ll miss a week AND THEN MY BALLS WILL BE EATEN BY HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS. I’m simply not confident i can make two good comics a week for the rest of my life. Thats about as summarised as it gets.

“So james, why don’t you just decide to make one good and six shitty comics a week and call it a day? It worked for Jim Davis!”

Because my stick figures live in a shapeless void in which mondays, coffee, and diets do not exist.
Also go kill yourself, i have standards dammit.

Now, in other news, right now, at exactly 4:16pm thursday the 13th of march, i plan to whip up a banner ad, talk to matthew about making some preparatory modifications to the site, and start advertising.

I say that so that next blog post, i can reflect and tell you why it didn’t happen.

PS: I genuinely hope it does.

Now, i’m not normally one for teasing. But theres some new comics coming up that will make you shit your pants. True story.

In other, unrelated news, this is possibly the greatest game ever created

Last of all matthew died. Thats why he hasn’t blogged in a while. I forgot to tell everybody lol.

Well i’m pretty swamped atm between gaming and uni work (yes, gaming can be a second job sometimes), so i haven’t been blogging much, but i’ve been keeping up with my comic schedule so in that respect i’m doing far better than even the times where i’ve got nothing to do.

The reason i’m posting NOW is because the presentation i’m doing tomorrow is more or less about the magical journey and i figured that required at least a mention. Maybe i’ll even upload the thing once all this crazy business is over. Holy shit, we still have a WIKI on this site, don’t we? Maybe i should take a look at that.

Do you ever get it where you get the 26th and the 23rd mixed up? Because i do!

Assignment due tonight kiddoes, wish me luck!